Time to Think

Today after months of heavy working conditions, I finally have time to think. Sitting here in my room, tapping and yapping away in my new keyboards gives me a feeling of ease I have not felt in quite a long time. There is soooooo much going on in my daily activities that I no longer know where to start cleaning up the chaos. So much in fact that exhaustion will merely push me to stop. As if there was nothing more to say or think about and further postpone this cathartic relief.

Last night, I learned that the greatest thing I fear in a long distance relationship is myself. It has been decided that my boyfriend of four years will be doing his post-graduate internship in his home-city miles away (Davao City). And, for months I have been fuzzing about how male doctors get into trouble with the usual flirting with hospital staff and other medical professionals. There seems to be an unwritten law that says; "What ever happens in the hospital, stays in the hospital." Thus, the fear of not being able to know what happens in the hospital in Davao. This was further aggravated when a good friend of ours broke up with his girlfriend of seven years because he fell for another friend of ours during their tour of duties as clinical clerks. The events unfolding were like a prime time pinoy teleserye which was much anticipated and talked about.
In this complicated situation, I was wondering the whole time; "What if he falls for someone in his tour of duty in Davao." My personal stand is that I cannot really blame him because I will be miles away and there will really be times that I will not be there for him in the stressors and hazards of this line of work. But, in all this I was hoping and praying that nothing of this sort happens eventually.

It was only two days ago that I was the one who had my back on the wall. Some residents and classmates of mine had a drinking session after duty and I did not inform my boyfriend about the event. That night I didn't inform him because I already knew what he would react to - that these male resident/s could not be trusted because of their reputation with our other female classmates. I knew it was harmless if i went, but he may see it differently. So i went anyway but didn't tell him about it. The following day, I felt somethings not right about his reactions, I was suspecting that he was suspecting so i decided to come clean and tell him about the "tambay session" the night before. My delay in information dissemination did not suit well with him but he told me to no longer fuzz about it because it was in the past. Thus, ending the issue.

I only bring it to light as I remember the events now because I will need to handle these things properly with him. I dont want to hurt him or disappoint him when I go out with this types of people but at the same time I simply cannot keep on turnign down every invitation of this sort because when you come to think about it, there's nothing really behind some friends sharing conversations over some bottles of alcohol and having a little fun after a hard days work...

Next week will be the feast of St. Joseph - Husband of Mary and Patron of all husband, fathers and maybe boyfirends. He was an ideal man who was just and caring and secure and loving. I have always prayed to him for guidance and strength, and true enough even if i had my share of relationship mishaps, I never done anything or made a decision that I regretted. It is in these times, that I remember him more because I will be entering uncharted waters - nothing secure or permanent especially in something as complicated as a relationship (lalu na long distance)... I know for now that our individual choices shape the direction of our lives but I will also leave something a bit to FAITH and to DESTINY. Maybe only a handfull believe in this two things these days, sometime I too am tempted not to believe anymore. But what if these two have some stake at my life too, that FAITH and DESTINY also have a place in what I am going through... then maybe some power in this universe will actually give this something to help it work out well in the end.