All Saints’ Day 09

It all starts out like a blur of contempt. It’s as if my mind has so many things to complain about. And, to top it all, each complaint has an alluring promise of doing something better in my life – in the future, with my children, with my family, with my career – that I didn’t have or I didn’t get to do today. All these negative emotions only stir up more apathy and discontentment and disappointment, and to top it all regret.

Later, I came to realize that I only feel this way because of all the expectations I have attached to my self and my life – all the shoulds and the shoudn’t, all the musts and musn’ts.

I thought of the lives of saints for All Saints’ Day and how all of them had some suffering to endure. I compared it with my sufferings (well, for starters they’re not really sufferings in comparison) and realized I was only suffering because I forgot the basics – the letting go and the poverty of faith. Sometimes, it gets very hard to believe in faith because of the omnipotent characteristic of the medical practice. A student like me often thinks: “I passed medical academics because I studied well. God had nothing to with my scores.” And yet, we pray day in and day out just before every exam – “Lord, Help me pass this test.” I forgot the basics of being grateful for the present. I forgot about the movements of the Spirit. I guess saints are saints not just because they suffered. They suffered for the right reasons, for unselfish reasons and for reasons no reason can explain.

Getting in touch with this is a blessing. It’s like re-uniting with the belief of true love when medical school offers no room for romance. It’s like meeting my old friend – confidence – (often present but repressed) reminding me that failure is a part of life and that humility is the best support for getting up from where I’ve fallen. It’s like having new hope – that as I start a new chapter of my life tomorrow I am somehow re-assured I’m in the right path.

With this, I welcome myself to Clinical Clerkship….