IN THE BUSINESS OF SOULS

“I am 23 years old. I am unemployed. I rely on allowance from parents or from generous benefactors. I’m still in school.”

Familiar? If I were to describe an aspect of myself, this would be quite applicable. I am a medical student trying to make a career, a business in souls.

Why did I choose the term “in the business of souls?”

I guess I attributed it to the profession of being a physician. A doctor deals with life and death situations every day. A doctor has to study a minimum of eight to ten years just to become competent enough to manage critical and fatal conditions. A doctor has to spend tireless years in hospital training running on empty stomachs and lack of sleep to arrive at a point when he or she spells the difference between expiration of life or the longevity of life.

Pondering on these I remembered a few reflections during my first year in medical school when I became overwhelmed with how crucial this career was. I thought to myself, “If a lawyer, an engineer and an architect know much, people would live comfortably and in order. If he or she does not know so much, people lose money, comforts and securities most of the time. But, if a doctor does not know what he or she is doing, that doctor may automatically be liable for the patient’s appointment with St. Peter in the gates of heaven.”

Scary thought?! To ease my anxiety in this new found realization, I tried to think of other professions who are also “in the business of souls.” I thought of the Military and law enforcement who risk life and limb to protect and serve. Then finally, I thought about priests and the religious who actually guide and influence the souls of persons. I said to myself; “if doctors can influence WHEN a person makes that appointment in heaven’s golden gates, priests and religious carry the duty to influence whether a person is ABLE to get there at all.

Maybe priests and doctors are different in a lot of ways but we are similar in one aspect. Both are directly and immediately liable for the passage of souls.

Career and Vocation

An online dictionary defines business as “that with which a person is principally and seriously concerned.” Is this life we have chosen, the business of souls just a mere concern?

I always go back to my immersion experience in the mountain of Gabaldon with the Dumagat tribe where I found inspiration to take up this so called career or business. Back then, all I wanted was to help in improving health care delivery systems to the poor and marginalized. I had no idea that it would take this great amount of effort and psychological turmoil to pave the way in reaching that goal. This is when I started having second thoughts in this so-called business of mine.

One of the hardest things to do in life is to admit that you’re wrong. I was wrong in thinking that this was a business in the first place. A business like in a capitalist’s perspective entitles the merchant to gain or to profit. What was the profit in my case? Doctors are even fleeing the country for lack of profit.

For me to actually continue down this road I needed to see this more than just a career but a VOCATION.

With this, I began to see that even without profit; I was doing something “where my interests (in science and learning) met with needs of the world (need for doctors in the world of nursing).” There was no profit to gain, no immediate satisfaction. There was only that feeling that I may have come a step closer into “attaining that what I was created for – to praise, reverence and serve Him.”

I guess with the change in perspective of what fueled my desire to enter in this life also changed my choice of not only wanting a career or a business, rather a vocation.

Elements: An ART-form

Nothing comes easy. If it were, it would not be forth fighting for.

In this era of Science advancement and Information technology, I still believe that the key element/s in my chosen vocation is ART (Academics, Results, Training).

Academics

I often hear complaints about academics. How surgery is too taxing to study. How pathology is so hard to understand. From some seminarian friends, I also once heard the same complaints, “Budlay gid ya ang scriptures!!!”

I too complain. I also procrastinate. I also find excuses not to study or rationalize my need for rest and relaxation. But, I also realize that not studying means increasing my chances of becoming a liability instead of an asset in this vocation. “Ang indi ko na-bal-an, basi salabton ko pa sa ulihi kay San Pedro.”

I appreciate priests who know what they talk about in their sermons. Like doctors whose vocations require expertise in the body, priests I think require a certain expertise on Christ’s teachings if they are to guide persons in “attaining that which they are created for- praise, reverence and serve Him.”

Academics in these fields; of priestly and medical vocations is indeed essential if we are to succeed.

Results

When I think of results I always attribute it to a certain measure. Grades? Scores? Ranking? Number of Patients? Income?

More quiet time got me thinking that results may not always be measured.

I remembered once we had a lecture on the Bedside Strategies of Cardiology Patients. There were two results from that lecture. One, was my grade in the Cardiology long exam and another was reminiscing an experience that I would carry with me for life.

That lecture taught me about good bedside strategies applicable to Cardio patients. However, it also reminded me to practice a little more compassion in the wards especially in critically, dying or even expired patients.

Results are not always numerical. Sometimes modest experiences can result into life changing convictions. It took some quiet time to acknowledge both the measurable and the immeasurable fruits of this seemingly ordinary daily experience. And, even this desire to stop and sit in His presence is also a result of that desire to piece together seemingly random yet life changing results. I guess counting and seeing these results works for me because they take me step by step in this journey.

Training

Another common characteristic about priests (or religious) and medical practitioners is the amount of time spent in training. It takes years.

At first I was suspecting it was some sadistic tradition. However, more quiet time reminded me that the long duration of training correlates with experience being the best teacher.

I remember spending some time in the Jesuit Infirmary during my college days. The priests in residence during that time were Fr. Roque Ferriols, Fr. and the late Fr. Honti. I usually attended their 6 pm daily mass and they would give these short and yet inspiring sermons. I guess what made these sermons spontaneous and striking was not so much in the delivery but because there was truth and sincerity in it. Their years spent in training and in carrying out their ministries made them legends and yet they never stopped experiencing things and learning from these experiences.

It like what our professors always tell us; “Never stop learning, updating and training yourselves.” This is very true because vocations directly related with persons, whether in the body or in the soul are as dynamic as the persons themselves. They are constantly changing and therefore training never stops.

The business, rather the vocation of souls would not be called as such – a vocation if it had no goals. Basically, I think it still boils down to our fundamental goal – to be like JESUS (Just, Excellent, Self-Aware, Understanding and Sincere)

Justice

One of my greatest goals is to at least give justice to this vocation I have chosen.

When I failed anatomy during my first year, I was devastated. I may have had a bad case of typhoid fever during the exam days but to me that was no excuse. I should have studied early on before examinations. I guess I was devastated not so much for the grade but because I had failed to give justice to what I did. I felt as if I had approached my task with mediocrity. To a certain degree, it was true and I vowed it would never happen again.

There were a lot of priests in my lifetime that have talked about giving justice to work, justice to the poor, justice and fairness in politics. The ones I find inspiring, even as I was facing my own devastating academic phase were those who actually gave justice to their commission to “Believe what you read, Teach what you believe, and Practice what you teach.”

I believe this phrase applies not only to priests but to all people as a guide in giving the appropriate due to their chosen vocation. For us in the medical profession, we too must believe what we read, teach and educate on what we believe is right and helpful for the preservation of life and practice for ourselves what we advocate as health experts.

Justice comes in how much we value our work, our vocation and how we believe, influence and live out what we do. The goal I believe is to attain that level of justice – a justice of belief and conviction, a justice that is transcendent and transformative.

Excellence

If one is in the vocation of souls, one cannot afford not to be excellent.

Excellence is a goal aspired by everyone. No one wants not to be excellent. Even as early as kindergarten, we learn to aspire for that gold star that acknowledges that we are excellent.

I remember a story when I was in college about a theology student who debated with his teacher for not giving him an A grade. He firmly believed that he was excellent enough to warrant that A or even and A+ in his final grade. Our teacher explained that the excellence aspect was not in the grade per se, in getting that dearly coveted A or A+. The excellence of that student should have come from something more humble or “something less in order to give more”.

Medical students are challenged to be excellent. Excellent in their expertise. Excellent in their skills. However, what good are expertise and skills without the desire to go out and serve others. Our veteran doctors always remind us that what makes a good doctor most of the time is not so much on the Latin honors or the Board Exams Standing (although it helps), rather it is in the number of patients you have helped or at least touched in one way or another.

Self-Awareness

How come Human Formation is so important in the priestly formation? How come screening and personal interviews are so essential in the admission of medical students? Whether we like it or not, the single step to be taken in a journey or vocation will always begin with the self.

To me this goal is quite simple. To achieve a certain level of self-awareness means achieving a certain level of recognition how close we are in the image and likeness of our creator.

“…What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will get you out of bed in the morning, what you will do with your evenings, how you spend your weekends, what you read, what YOU KNOW that breaks your heart and what amazes you with joy and gratitude.”

What we know about ourselves, our loves, our fears decide the outcome.

Understanding

It may just be a function of our brains but there’s more to understanding than it cognitive process. Understanding cuts across the multicolored high-lighted notes of our academics or the black and white pages of Harrison’s Principle of Internal Medicine or the New American Bible. It can also encompass the ability to compromise difficult teachers, classmates or community members. In the dynamic gift which is life, greater understanding is as desired as world peace. It may exist as an idea but it is a goal worth hoping for. Having understanding sometimes spells the difference between a medical lawsuit and a relationship of cooperation with a patient’s family. It can differentiate between a rebellious cry for implementation of certain rules or a compromise between formators and formands on how life in the seminary should be bettered.

Sincerity

There is only one thing to say about sincerity – it greatly relates to commitment.

Every so often I receive emails of job offerings both local and abroad. If I were joking about this vocation in medical practice, I would have quit a long time ago. However, I’d like to believe that proper discernment has allowed me to come to my deep and sincere desire to undertake this kind of life. Thus, I have more confidence that I can live out the commitment I gave into this vocation.

I always remember my SD in college when he shared about his decision to break it off with his girlfriend to pursue priesthood. He said; “Hindi ka pwede ma-mangka sa dalwang ilog. If you do you are not sincere in serving one or both.”

To end:

I have spent hours writing this essay down. It’s as if I had made a career out of it. In the past I like to think that had made a career out of so many things. I thought I’d end up making a career out of life – a good job that pays well with a lot of perks and freebies, travel, live comfortably and luxuriously, have all the merits and titles I can have.

Instead, I am 23 years old. I am unemployed. I rely on allowance from parents or from generous benefactors. I’m still in school.”

Familiar? If I were to describe an aspect of myself, this would be quite applicable. I am a medical student trying to live out a vocation, a vocation in the service of bodies and souls.