Some Spirits…

February 27, 2007

My room hears the sound of the world day in and day out. Rumbling cars in the busy highway in front of our house disrupts the cozy ambiance almost every time. I also never turn off the TV when I’m at home. The world on screen has been my constant companion. Like most modern children, I too have 2 cellphones keeping me in touch with more people constantly available for talk and discussion. I simply live in a noisy world but once in a while there are two things that speak the loudest; temptation and grace.

On Discernment

Graduating from Ateneo de Manila was an achievement. But I’d also like to think that I learned a lot of things also outside the classroom that made my college life challenging and interesting at the same time.

During the closing days of class I had come into communion with what I wanted to do with my life after my 19^th Annotation – Retreat in Daily Life. I was discerning to go into medical school and become a doctor for two basic reasons. First, the vocation in medical practice was a need for the service of the kingdom. It was also the profession that I really wanted.

With these criteria, I was pretty sure I was going down the right path.

On Hopelessness

As good as it sounds, it was not that simple. I thought taking up Comparative Anatomy as an elective in Ateneo would give me a glimpse on what I was going to be up against. To my surprise, what I counted on as experience was absolutely nothing to the reality I would be facing.

As early as the first semester, I would be facing tough times dealing with time management. I was an expert on this during my college years and for the rest of my life before Medical school but I was really doing bad this time. I also flunked one subject that would delay my graduation eventually because I was falling apart on study habits. To top it all, when I finally chose to get out of misery and try harder, nothings seemed to be going my way.

The study techniques that I had counted on my entire life were failing me. The endurance in late night work was slowly draining out in me. My spiritual high was running out and so was my hope.

Crying was a form of release but it never brought relief.

On Change

A few years back in college, my mother advised me to seek professional help as in a psychiatrist because I seemed depressed all the time. My condition only got better when I went into my Ignatian retreat.

I could see myself going down that same path again.

The temptation to give up was and is still very strong when everything seems to be going downhill. I guess this is because change is hard to deal with. It is also hard to look at yourself each day and see changes taking place. Some changes are a result of hard work and perseverance. Some changes are a result of good choices and faith. However, the other changes that I see seem to make me more bitter.

It took me a long time to realize that I was running under the fuel of revenge. When I flunked during the first semester, I swore with vengeance that I’d redeem myself. With this much angst inside me, no wonder I was getting tired for all the wrong reasons.

It also pained me to see myself in contradiction. All my life I knew I was intelligent and talented and always going for the things I want. This time, I was confronted with the reality that my performance was not good and that I was running out of steam. In a class of 75, test scores usually showed a 50% passing rate while the actual grades revealed a 100% passing rate. I belonged to group who passed without being exceptional.

This was all too depressing for me. But, unlike before I already carried something very important; a listening ear to the movements within.

On humility

It’s easy to say that I may not have what it takes after all to go through this life that I chose. It’s much harder to say I need a little more effort. I look at my great classmates and see IQ and talent and endurance and then I look at myself and turn blank. How they do it I can never tell but what I now know is that I cannot compare myself to them because this cross of unease is for me to carry and not them. I pray each day for the humility to open my eyes to what other steps I can take to win this internal battle. The evil one uses even these moments of prayer into showing me how hopeless I can become. But, I can either succumb to that or try a little bit harder.

I can look at my state now in too ways. First, it’s too late to changes study techniques or styles since I’ve already fallen and wasted an entire year trying to find the right way. Or, I can say I still have three years to try and maybe an entire lifetime thereafter. The path I wish to stay on is that path that tells me, struggle in approximation of perfection makes life worth living rather than having everything the first time and not seeing what such grace there is acknowledge that one is in struggle.

On Passion

Fr. Arrupe once said:

“Nothing is more practical than finding God, that is falling in love in quite absolute way. What you are in love with, what seizes your imagination will affect everything. It will decide what will make you get up in the morning; how you spend your evenings. Whom you spend you weekends; What you know breaks your heart and what amazes you with joy and gratitude. Fall in love stay in love and it will decide everything.”

It’s simply amazing how I can start asking questions or how I can turn to unbelief and despair and even plunge to hopelessness but still find myself getting back at my feet. It’s amazing how I complain about the complexity of the human body that I become more captivated with the mechanism of this so called capsule that holds our spirits and souls. It amazing that no matter how I don’t want to get out in bed during the mornings, I still find myself sitting in class. It amazing how I complain I no longer have weekends because Mondays are exams days and yet I find myself flipping through books and notes. It most amazing to find my pride broken or find myself lost in struggle and still feel much stronger with every heartbreak.

Some Other things…

My life before medical school was preparation. I now realize that was not well enough and that this too, this very day of heartbreak and new found strength is a preparation too. The books do not only train us to save bodies but to improve the environment where the soul resides. I pass by this road once, and maybe once in a while in the noise of the world I forget to stop and check what this preparation is for, may I be swayed back into listening to two of the loudest voices and know their difference; temptation and grace.